- September 14, 2025
- Posted by: Dave Kurlan
- Category: Understanding the Sales Force
After spending a little extra time praying at church with my wife this Sunday, I got to thinking about sales—yes, I’m always thinking about sales!
As a teen, I felt that religions were like distributors and God was the manufacturer, a view that stuck with me from my Jewish roots until 2001 when, at age 45, I had a calling and became a Catholic. Today, a new analogy about religions hit me: religions, like companies, compete for “customers” with unique pitches. To craft one-line value props for each religion, I teamed up with Grok to fill my knowledge gap. We went back and forth for an hour and agreed that Religions pitch like top salespeople, each with a snappy value proposition to win you over. Here’s our take on what their taglines or brand promises could be. I know that God, religion and prayer are serious, but I wanted to keep this light and provide as much fun as possible. I hope you aren’t offended.
Judaism “Join our timeless covenant for a purpose-driven life – still the chosen ones after 5,000 years!”
Catholicism “Your one-stop shop for sacraments, community, and eternal grace in one sacred package!”
Protestantism “Go straight to Jesus with a DIY faith that’s all about you!”
Baptists “Sing loud and get saved – come for the music and stay for the Holy Spirit!”
Mormons (Latter-day Saints) “Build an eternal family and aim for celestial stardom!”
Lutherans “Rest easy with grace-first faith and no fine print!”
Methodists “Live passionately, love actively, and change the world!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses “Stick to biblical truth for a ticket to paradise – direct sales opportunities available!”
Islam “Submit to Allah for a clear path to peace!”
Hinduism “Pick your path and explore life’s cycles with dharma!”
Buddhism “Hack your mind to find zen and ditch suffering!”
Sikhism “Live boldly, serve fiercely, and honor God with purpose!”
Taoism “Flow with the Tao for a relaxing, harmonious life!”
Handling the Tough Objections
Great salespeople are champions at handling objections. Here’s how atheism and agnosticism counter two classic pushbacks, like the business versions of “no thanks” and “you guys are all the same.”
- Atheism = “We’re Not Interested”: “No divine pitch needed—just reason and curiosity for a meaningful life!”
- Agnosticism = “You Guys Are All the Same”: “We’re different, offering freedom to question without picking a side!”
Conclusion
Unlike businesses with slick marketing and BDR call centers, religions rely on family legacy to pass down belief—something B2B companies can’t match. Each faith offers a path to God, like car brands getting you from point A to B: some with style and speed, others with efficiency or room for the whole crew. Every company, even with a commodity, can stand out by selling what makes them special—your people, your talent, your operation, your unique edge. Ditch the price wars and sell the value of you.
Image created by Grok